#73 – How to improve your personal and business relationships

You’re listening to the Deals on Heels podcast with business mentor Lotje Euser, episode number 73

Welcome to a new episode! My name is Lotje Euser and I’m a business mentor for entrepreneurs and companies who want to fall in love with sales and create customers for life. It is my goal to help more women get to the top and I strongly believe sales plays an essential element in that.

Today I want to discuss a very special topic that I haven’t been talking a lot about yet, but I had this coaching call today with one of my clients and we started talking about relationships. And it was such a beautiful conversation in which we discussed what we need in order to thrive not only in our career but also in our personal lives.

The goal of the conversation was to discuss her business but the conversation turned into one about relationships.

We can make a lot of money but if our personal foundation isn’t strong and the relationships we have in our lives aren’t there or aren’t supporting us, then everything falls flat. Then we feel empty.

And I’ve been given this topic a lot of thoughts lately. I thought about my own relationships that I’ve build, not only with customers but also in my own personal life.

As a human being it’s one of our primary needs to have relationships, to feel loved and fulfilled. This is also part of the Maslow pyramid. It is one of our primary needs to feel loved and feel like we belong. And in order to accomplish that, we need to have these relationships in our lives.

And I can share a lot about this topic. 

It’s also a unique part of my own concept of Feminine sales, in order to sell to customers you need to build strong relationships.

And for ourselves on a personal level, we need those relationships as well in order to live a great life. And that’s what I want to talk about today.

So I want to ask you: how do you currently feel about your personal relationships? 

Do they fulfil you?

Do they feel supportive to you?

Do they add value to you?

Do they meet your expectations of how you want your relationships to be?

As human beings we constantly grow and therefore we evolve. Our lives change, our lives evolve and your relationships naturally do that too.

But sometimes they don’t. Or they evolve in something that does not serve you anymore at this moment, in this stage of your life. And if we don’t keep working on our relationships, even the best relationships can deteriorate. 

I’ve had multiple stages in my own life where I noticed that a relationship that felt good at that moment in that period, started to no longer feel right. And I think we can all relate to this right?

I’ve had a lot of boyfriends when I was younger. I went on a lot of dates and I was really putting myself out there on Tinder and other apps. My dating game was really active.

And that felt so right at that moment, but if I look back then I sometimes can’t help to feel like: OMG Lotje, how could you do that? Why did you have all these dates with that person?? Why did you stay in that relationship for so long?

And I feel like if I would go back in time, with my current self in this state, I would have approached things in a totally different way.

And that’s a beautiful thing. Not from a place of shame. But it shows how I have grown myself. And that I now have a better understanding of what I look for in a relationship. At the same time I know that all these experiences when I was younger, have made me to the woman I am today. The good, the bad and even the ugly.

So today I want to discuss how to improve you current relationships. Instead of letting them deteriorate. And you can use the things I’m sharing today either in your business or your personal life. It’s applicable to both.

Let’s start by discussing what defines a good functioning relationship? Do you know that for yourself? This can be different for anyone.

Maybe the way that I define a good functioning relationship is totally different from your perspective. And that’s great! That’s perfect. There is not ONE way.

But it all starts with knowing and feeling what you need in the relationships that you have.

It’s so beautiful how this relates to sales as well. Because in sales you can’t build relationships if you don’t know what you want to get out of it and when you don’t know what the customer wants to get out of it. 

So what do you need? And how does that vary per relationship type? It can be that in a romantic relationship you need support, love, connection, intimacy. But when it comes to friendships, it can be that you need love and support as well, but also common hobbies, or activities you want to do together.

Once you know what you need in your relationship and you see that at certain points that relationship isn’t actually fulfilling you – then it’s time to wonder: okay so what causes that feeling?

Do you feel like you’re not being supported? Do you feel the lack of common interests? Do you feel like you’re not able to spend enough time together?

A relationship can only function if the 2 people who are in the relationship both contribute to it. It takes two to rumble. You can’t rely on 1 person to make the relationship a success. The same in sales. I can’t take full responsibility for my actions and the actions of my customers – my customers need to take responsibility as well. They need to act as well. Otherwise it feels bit like beating a dead horse. And I’m a very responsible person, sometimes I tend to take on responsibilities myself, that don’t belong to me. 

My coach told me the next thing which really helped me with this. She said: You and the other person are both part of the equation. You bring A, the customer brings B and together that will lead to C. But if B’s missing, that’s not your responsibility. It is however your responsibility to express to the customer what’s missing to get to C. But you cannot take ownership for things that don’t belong to you.

And this brings me to the following thing: Because you can feel like you’re contributing a lot to this relationship, while your partner or friend may feel otherwise.

So the next step is: do you know from each other what both your expectations are for this relationship? I would always advise you to manage the expectations on both sides.

This is something that I discussed with my current boyfriend as well. Not only at the start of our relationship but also meanwhile.

To get to know what he was expecting of our relationship I asked him: what do you need from this relationship? What do you expect of me? What do you think is important? How do you feel about our current relationship?

Because I was really curious, and I wanted to manage the expectations in order to build a even better relationship. And I think, since we all evolve, that it’s important to keep having these conversations. Not only at the start of them, but also during.

Again if I make the link with sales: if you have a customer, it’s so important to keep that relation strong and keep managing the expectations. And to keep curious about if they’re still happy with your services or your product. I always ask my own clients after a coaching session how they feel about our session. And at the end of a program I ask them: what do you think of this program? Did it meet your expectations?

Not to react, but to listen and learn. 

But in order to do this, you have to have a vulnerable attitude and open mind. We can’t expect the other person to be open and honest with us if we don’t show that same behaviour to the one sitting in front of us.

And this is difficult for a lot of people. Because it often happens that somebody says something, that triggers you and you react immediately offended. Or you try to immediately defend yourself.

So if the other person says: “I need a relationship where we do fun things together.” And you immediately respond with: “But we do that right? We do so many fun things together!” Or you try to defend why that isn’t happening and putting the blame on someone else like saying “But you’re never home! You always work.”

In that case, you’re giving signals to the other person that you’re not really taking them serious because you react defensive immediately, instead of listening carefully and really hearing what that person is saying.

So do you listen in order to learn and really hear the other person? Or do you listen in order to respond?

Ways to not fall into this trap is by staying silent and wait for what’s next to come. 

Or if it stays silent, to repeat the other persons answers in order to motivate them to explain more to you. I call this active listening.

So if the person in front of you says: I need to spend more quality time together, that you repeat the  other persons words: you need more quality time? And that you give them room to share even more and allow them to explain. Without sounding like you’re accusing them.

Another way is to ask deepening questions: what do you mean by that? How does that look like for you? 

We often fall in assumptions here. We think we know what the other person is telling you, but can you really be sure? Are you absolutely correct? In most of the cases, we’re not.

And once you’ve given room to the other person in order to share their expectations of your relationship, and you completely understand them you can ask confirming questions to check if you’re understanding them correctly. For example: “If I understand you correctly, you want to spend more quality time together and do fun things during the weekends instead of going out with our friends. Is that what you mean?” 

And then the other person can confirm if you’ve understood them correctly. Then it’s up to you to respond in an empathic way. Because if you would tell them like: “Well I don’t agree.” You ruin the entire moment. And the safe space you’ve created is gone. So always try to understand them, even if you might not agree. 

Sometimes it can happen in business that a customer feels a certain way, like you haven’t been pro-active enough or you haven’t done things in a way they were expecting and you feel completely different about it. This happens a lot.

I want you to know that the goal here is not to figure out who is right. But how to improve the relationship by finding common grounds.

So if you’re having this expectation management conversations, it’s important to figure out how to go from the current situation to the desired situation. And ask that person what they think is a solution here. Again stay open and mindful to what the other person is sharing. Without letting your ego come between. But stay curious. And thank them for being so open with you.

If you feel like the other person has put everything on the table, it’s time for you to share your thoughts. One way of opening the door to that is by asking: would like mind hearing what my expectations are for our relationship? So you first ask permission to do so. And then you share your perspective.

I think that often we push our opinions on other people without first asking them. In the coaching industry this happens often, that coaches give people feedback without first asking for permission to do so. And that’s because coaches are so eager to help. Btw managers also happen to do this often. But realise that in order to create a safe environment, you always need to prepare that person and ask for permission to share your thoughts.

The beautiful thing here is that if you took the initiative to give space to the other person’s story, this will motivate them to give that space back to you. Because you’ve already created those conditions for that conversation yourself, by letting them speak.

If that doesn’t happen however, then notice that and share with them “It’s important for me to share my perspective. Can you give me that room to do so right now?” 

I have had a few sales calls in my career where customers tried to interrupt me. I must say: this doesn’t happen often, because I really take the lead in sales calls. But sometimes you have these people who are just the worst listeners and interrupt me during the conversation.

The way I handle that is by staying quiet the moment they interrupt me. Or just by asking: Can I finish what I’d like to share?” People often don’t notice that they interrupt others.

And if you share your thoughts from your side, then keep it personal. Don’t make this about the other person. It’s about you and your needs. So instead of sharing “You never support me when I’m trying to follow my own dreams.” – which will obviously make the other person feel offended.

It’s better to say: “I need to feel supported and I feel like it’s difficult for me to feel supported by you when I’m trying to follow my own dreams.”

In that way you share it’s about you and your feelings, instead of attacking or blaming that other person instantly. Remember: it takes two right? So you both are responsible for improving your relationship in order to have the best relationship experience.

And this takes practise. These are not easy topics I’m discussing today. Because active listening is a thing. And having these open conversations about expectation management for your relationships require you to be able to be vulnerable and show up with an open mind. Without acting from emotion. But to listen and stay curious in order to figure out: do we want the same things for this relationship? Can we fulfil each others needs? And how will we get there together?

I think what’s so beautiful about this is that if you stay constructive in this process you will be able to strengthen your relationship. Even if it’s already amazing. Even then. Because a relationship is work in progress, the whole time. Everything changes all the time and therefore your relationship does too.

So with these words I want to end today’s episode.

I hope today’s episode will help you to improve your relationships, on business or on personal level and I’d love to hear your thoughts about it. So feel free to share them with me through social media or my website lotjeeuser.com

And I want to highlight that on 29 September I’m organising my very first live sales event in The Netherlands, and building steady relationships with your customers will be also one of the topics that day. I can already tell you, with all the preparations my team and I have been doing, it’s going to be super amazing and will really help you to bring your sales to a higher level – so if you’re interested then get your ticket via lotjeeuser.com/elevate I’d love to see you there!

Have an amazing weekend and talk to you soon.